Sometimes I think if I did this, it would be like something I would have done years ago. Then what would that make me. It would make me be the person I was years ago. So I haven't learnt anything. Then what is the point. It's not easy. It really isn't. But it's for the better. All I've been through would have all been for nothing if I cannot handle this.
One day I hope I can talk about this. Right now I just feel its not the right time yet. But some day in the future, after some time I hope I can say all of these out. I'm looking forward to that day. Because it will signify that I have done it. I am able to overcome it.
Sometimes I wonder. It's the time you can never get back. Yet you still do this. I think you never realise it. Or I just could not understand your point of view.
excuse me :X
12:40:00 AM
Monday, July 02, 2012
pretend the world is funny and forever
I'm just waiting for the day I can say to myself: ni huo gai. You knew this would happen. Yet you still chose to do this to yourself.
The words I cannot find now I hope I can in the future. I am observing and learning. I need to learn.
excuse me :X
3:36:00 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Omg it's been so long. Running away for so long. Not that I've stopped running away. I don't know when I'll ever stop. No matter how much I tell myself not to. I never get to see the face of my problems clearly. I just know they're there, but I never knew how they look like. Because I never faced them properly, what I do is I run away. They always catch up to me, but I still chose to run.
It feels like the storm is brewing near. It's going to get so much tougher. With each passing day it only reminds me what is growing bigger and bigger. It's about to explode in my face. I can't ignore it nor can I run away from it. It's everywhere. And it's like being thrown into a public space. Visible to everyone. Visible to all. Sometimes I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe, but the believe is just a thin piece of thread hanging there. Am I supposed to hang on to it and believe that it will not snap? It will take a lot of strength and believe to believe that. For some moments I can for other moments I cannot. I don't want to think about it and I always try my best to believe, but reality shoves it up in my face. I see it so clearly and feel it so vividly. I always delude myself that I've accepted. But I know I could never accept it. Not that I feel that there is hope. Just I could never bring myself to accept. It's that running away thing again. I don't have the guts to face it. The best part is, it's not something that can be helped. There is no solution. It's a test of belief. Which I'm growing really really tired of.
I'm tired. I say only these 2 simple words, but behind them there is an entire long story of why I'm tired. I'm just too afraid to say it out. Sometimes I feel like I'm only held together by some tape, always threatening to fall apart. Sometimes I have so many things to say, but it's the fear of saying them out that I just don't say much. If only I have the guts to say them all out, would I feel better?
I remember talking to my big bro about this years ago. How we stayed up all night talking about it. His words made me feel better. But not for long. Because I start going back to my old ways of thinking. No matter how hopeful or encouraging the words are, I can't bring myself to believe them. Not that he wasn't sincere about what he said, I'm sure he meant every word of it. But the problem is just me. I can't believe it. So now I feel it isn't going to be of much help to me even if I talk about it. I'll just feel better for that short time and continue to feel alright some time after, but it will all end up wasted, because I am not able to continue believing. It feels like a kind of stupidity and delusion. Like not facing and realizing what reality is. Not that I'm fully facing reality. This is so hard to explain.
The kind of emptiness and loneliness not because you have no friends or family, it's the kind that you know that nobody else would ever feel the way you are feeling. However encouraging their words may be, and with all of their sincerity, I really appreciate them. But because I know they did not go through what I'm going through, they don't know how it feels like actually. I cannot bring myself to believe any of it. With each passing day, it only means that nobody will ever be able to relate to this bs. I'm the only one in this. While the rest of the world go about their merriness.
It's just the tip of the iceberg. Why? Because it always is. That's the logic in my world.
This sudden strong post after so long. The truth finally came to find me.
I think I have said this before. I think I must be a horrible evil person in my past lifetimes. If there is such a thing. This is the only explanation I can give myself for what's happening. I seem to be repaying everyone back whatever debts I owe them last time. I must have committed a lot of heinous acts, hurt a lot of people.
I didn't realize writing could help so much. I thought it wouldn't make much of a difference. Sometimes it really doesn't make a difference. But this time around, it helped me more than I thought. After writing all those, I felt better. Not immediately, but slowly a few days later. I guess it really is a kind of channel to get it out of my system. After expressing all those strong emotions out, I don't feel that strongly about it anymore.
Thank you auntie, you have no idea, but your cuteness helped me today:)
The moment your mum does something for you and you saw it early in the morning that just makes your heart smile:D
excuse me :X
12:06:00 AM
Monday, May 07, 2012
I hope you know. I only did what I did, not because I wanted to, but because I don't want to stoop to your level. Trust me, I really didn't want to do it, I was thinking it's really not worth it. and it isn't. But I still did it anyway. It doesn't feel good at all, but I guess it's the right thing to do. It just gets better and better, doesn't it? It's like the more you do, the emptier you become to me. Your substance is getting thinner, and you're soon becoming just an empty shell walking around. You seem more faded to me as a person than when I first met you. You're probably a terrific person. So so very much, I believe it. But I just find it hard to see it now. Actually I have never found it easy to see. I'm so sorry to say. But all these are just my perception of you. You probably have so much more to offer than what I'll ever be able to see. You're probably a very wonderful person, but I'm unable to see you for what you are worth as in the eyes of others.
I think you have no other meaning in my life other than to make me think what I thought about the entire day. In a way, you set it in motion. Otherwise I would have never thought so much about it. It's such a small thing. No way for the life of you will you ever realise it. But I guess everything was already doused with kerosene, and that one thing was the match that set everything on fire. thank you.
"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."
--Wayne W. Dyer
excuse me :X
11:37:00 PM
Sunday, May 06, 2012
I had dinner with borats at Medz. It was a simple dinner. Didn't buy much because the price not say very cheap, to us. But the food was good. And we had the annoying rice. It was rice, but smaller. Like mini rice. Don't know why, the texture just feels annoying in the mouth. haha.
I made some tuna tarts. It turned out to be quite dry because I made a mistake. I was supposed to bake the crust by itself first before putting in the filling. I ended up putting the filling in and baking everything together. The crust needed quite some time to bake so in the end the filling became quite dry. And the crust was thick and not fully baked. omg. haha. but my bros said they couldn't tell the dough wasn't baked properly. so okay lor. haha. they don't think so can already. means I can hide something. It's alright. At least I learn now.
My 2nd bro introduced me to this zombie game called the walking dead. There is a tv show of this also. I don't really like to play zombie games because it can be quite gory and scary. but this game was alright because the graphics were quite cartoon-ish, not like doom 3 or fear. Last time my bros ask me to play those I was scared like mad. The graphics were so gory and grotesque I will never touch these kinds of games anymore. And it wasn't just senseless killing of zombies throughout the game. There's like puzzles to solve kind of thing. It's quite fun but there's only the first episode so far. Have to wait for other episodes to come out, which is don't know when. haha
Nobody can be a greater klutz than me. I fell down as I was jogging along the roadside. I don't even know what I tripped over. It was just pavement. The way I tumbled and fell was epic. Luckily it was dark and I think nobody saw. I think I scared the girl whom I approached to ask if there was a nearby convenience store or something to buy plaster, with my bloody knee and all. But then again, I had no money. haha. So I don't know what I was doing. As I was talking to her, my knee was bleeding like mad, a stream of blood went down my leg. I took out my socks to cover the wound to stop the bleeding. Then I called my big bro to come fetch me. This is not the first time I fell down while jogging along roadside. Luckily this time round, my brothers were at home and the car was available. The previous time I fell I had to walk all the way home while trying to cover my bloody knee. And I'm really glad I did not scratch my face, I thought I had, because I couldn't stop my face from hitting the ground. I seem to always fall first on my left knee. Don't know why. Poor left knee. Always suffer the most. haha. A piece of my flesh came out, the cut was quite deep. I don't know why but I was quite fascinated with that. While I was waiting for my big bro to come, I was looking at my wound and wondered where the flesh that got cut off went to. Was it left somewhere on the ground. I left my "legacy" there. haha. I am such a klutz, seriously. haha
I made potato cheese soup. It was okay but my bros said that it was too cheesy. It's called potato cheese soup. haha. I still wanted to put more cheese one. haha. but I think it was still okay because I'm obsessed with cheese. So it's a completely different gauge. haha
My parents are finally back from china after a week. I realised it is actually not that easy to cook and clean every day. Though my bros and I take turn to wash the clothes, but I've been cooking for them for a few days now. Actually only dinner. haha. Since my big bro is on internship and will leave the house early in the morning, my 2nd bro and I's breakfast/lunch just ownself gao dim. haha. But I think its fun to cook. I don't know. Can experiment with new dishes. May or may not turn out well but it's still fun. But I think I will appreciate my mum better now, in terms of meals. Seeing as how it is not as easy as I think to prepare meals. It is so much easier to da bao or eat out, but it's more expensive and less interesting. Since now it's holidays and I STILL have not figured out what to do, just chillaxing, I have all the time in the world to try out new dishes. Now when I think about it, my mum is working and she prepares breakfast and dinner for us every day, must be tiring. Now I can empathise better. I don't know why. My parents have gone overseas without us for so many times but why only this time I can empathise better. Maybe I didn't do much work the previous times. haha. So I guess next time I'll try to help my mum out in the kitchen when I have the time. And also start learning some skills. Every time I want to help my mum with cooking she'll ask me to wash the plates and stuff, said if I want to learn how to cook, must start from the most basic by washing plates. I agree. But I helped out quite a number of times throughout the years and up until now, she still said I must start from basic. So I kept on washing plates and never really got to the real cooking. haha. forever washing plates. I think I also need to learn how to pick vegetables etc. I realised when I'm at the supermarket I had no idea how to pick vegetables, like how to look out for which is fresh or spoiled etc. I know nuts about it. I really just randomly pick one. It's time I start learning. Like at my age and I still don't know about all these, I feel a bit not independent. Must learn some new survival skills. haha
I don't know why but my shoulders are aching like mad. It feels really tensed. I don't know what I'm tensed about. It wasn't tense during exam period. Exams are over and there's nothing to stress about now, so why so tensed. Whyyyyyyyy.
Ever since I fell, I didn't really cook much because there are some cuts on my hands and if I cook, will have to touch a lot of things and keep washing my hands, and the cream will be washed off too. So I just want to let it heal faster and I'll try again when it's healed better.
excuse me :X
1:54:00 AM
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder how much of the words that are coming out of your mouth, you actually meant them. Some of the things you do, I find it hard to wrap my head around it. But just because I do not understand, doesn't mean it is not right of you to do it or you can't do it. How is it that you can assure me now, but go on to do the exact opposite of what you said. Your actions contradict your words, do you realise? Or maybe it's not contradiction at all. It's just because your words don't actually have any meaning. Sorry for injecting meaning into them. Overtime, it just becomes a habit of letting your words pass by like passer-bys on the street. Once they pass, I forget them. They're only worth remembering if you make them to be.
You have no idea I always feel the exact opposite of what you said.
Why is it that I find it excessive? It would be so different were it somebody else. I feel that nothing has changed. I still see it as something that had an ulterior motive lying underneath. I still don't understand.
If I think about it, it makes sense. It was right then and there, given all the possibilities of choices in the world, you chose to act that way, it makes sense. There is only one option for you, and that's the choice you made. Good for you.
I'm so glad that finals are over! :)
I had quite a good scare yesterday. I was making my way to the toilet minutes before the exam and val jumped out of nowhere and screamed. I screamed too because she shocked me. haha. It was like 2 people yelling amongst the heaps of people. yes, I used heaps. haha. Then we laughed like mad. It was crazy. I haven't seen her for ages. Although we only talked briefly, it was good to see her again. And she is still the same crazy girl ever since I knew her. Her scare woke me up before the paper. haha.
I am seriously amazed by my 2nd bro's cheat sheet. His handwriting is so so so so so so so so so so so so tiny I almost have to paste my face on the paper to see what he wrote. I really cannot understand how he is able to write such tiny words! without the words being clumped together. and he showed me he had a "content page" for his cheat sheet too. like where to find which chapter it is under. and he was so proud of it. haha. omg. it's so organised and colourful and everything. unlike mine. I still need to search my cheat sheet to find where I copied what. sometimes I forget what I copied. haha. I asked him to help me write my cheat sheet next time. Then my big bro said: wah you so lazy until cheat sheet also need people to help you write ah? haiz. hahaha! but seriously, I think my 2nd bro can start a cheat sheet writing service already. xD
sy's reply was epic. like seriously. hahaha!
excuse me :X
3:39:00 PM
Friday, April 20, 2012
my current highlighter was dying soon and I went to search for another one in my drawer. I thought I still had some more, but apparently I don't. Then I remembered that I still had this pack of highlighters given to me by my primary school. So I dug that out. Initially I didn't think it would work because it's been so long already but I just wanted to try my luck. Amazingly, it still works! And it highlighted quite smoothly as though it was brand new, although the colour is a bit old. can tell. I kept the highlighters since 2003, kept telling myself I would have a use for it someday. How many years have that been?! finally I was able to use them and they still work. I was really amazed. haha. so i wrote one whole chunk just about highlighters.
why should I believe in something that is so flimsy. Maybe it's just my point of view. The feelings I've gathered through my observations. They may not reflect the reality. But until I see the golden egg in front of me, I will not hand you the money.
This probably isn't how I'm supposed to react. Intentions and reactions do not match. What I want to say is, after seeing that, you'll never hear me say those words again. You can bet on that.
While I was revising past year papers for eg1413, I came across this passage about genetic enhancement, I think. There was this sentence
"This cheating diminishes us by depriving us of the sense that we must work to make anything worthwhile."
I find it really meaningful (and totally missed the point that I'm supposed to focus on coming up with points for the essay haha) when I saw this sentence, I stopped and pondered over it for a while. seriously. pondering over this in the middle of that. why. I don't know. Maybe I find it quite relate-able to me now. The sense that we must work to make anything worthwhile. It just hits me. That's the point I've been seemingly missing nowadays. Worthwhile. I've given myself too much leeway. Things that come easy will not feel as worthy. It is the essence of working hard and putting in effort that will make any outcome,good or bad, feel worthy. It's like the effort is the cream that fills the cream puff and makes it delicious. It's quite a "duh" thing but I don't know why it suddenly meant so much to me. Maybe because I've fallen off the wagon for don't know how long.
It's better than anything I've encountered. I'd say I take it and run.
If you are so unhappy doing it, then don't do it. who is forcing you? don't need to be so xin ku one. seriously.
I need to realise the gravity of the situation. what is it that I want. what is worth it. and what is not worth it.
I realised when I focus on this, I've completely forgotten what it was that wasted my energy.
excuse me :X
10:52:00 PM
THE OLD FART
Wan En
18
HKPS(1999-2004)
Commonwealth Sec (2005-2008)
National JC (2009-2010)
