EXCUSE ME, my blog just farted =/

Thursday, October 29, 2009

frustrated beyond believe
it's ineffable
this is a personal problem that i've been struggling with since forever
hate to feel that i've fallen into the same cycle again
and it just keeps repeating itself
i can't get out i don't know how
it's really up to me to change my mentality and perspective
it's ruining me
tired of being tired
but i can't give up
i don't want to live like this anymore
tried meditation to be at peace with myself
but still beating myself up for all sorts of things
guess i'm not strong enough
this is the root to all of my problems
it feels like a meteor shower hitting me everyday
and i guess it won't be long till i finally crumble
under all the weight of everything i put on myself
not the weight of the things the world put on me
I put them on myself
I chose to carry all these weight
it's just very complicated
i don't want to crumble
so i must change my perspective
the world is how you view it
but it's as difficult to near impossible
but for now
i just need to express out
it's almost filled to the brim
if i don't let it out
it will explode
i never could believe how much crap i choose to put myself through
it's like i like to torture myself
that i deserve all these pain
it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
but i just never learn
just keep falling and falling

sounds emo right
but it's okay
i just need to tell what my heart is screaming

excuse me :X
2:30:00 PM

Monday, October 26, 2009

so i was talking to my big bro today
then it turned into a 'therapy' session
and we talked about all sorts of stuff
he 'died' 3 times 'therapising' me
hahaha
he said it's a strenuous thing
'cause it's like i keep giving metaphors about stuff
then say you cannot link meh?
he said er nope you very lousy in giving metaphors
hahaha
it's like a roller coaster ride
but i'd say it was successful 'cause i gained some enlightenment
he said something that really got into me
wish he'd say more so it can really drill into me
but it's like connect halfway then stop
but at least it got into me halfway
and we talk about stuff like guys
he said guys would really change after they go ns
he said it's hard to put into words but you definitely would not feel the same and the way you see things would change dramatically
i shall ask my 2nd bro if he felt the same way after finishing his ns

and yeah
i sometimes really care too much about what other people think
and i've quit the tug of war long ago
but i'm still tugged
but after today's realisation
i think i will really quit for good
i know what's holding me back
i thought it was true
but it's so not worth it

my big bro always said how will this be a loss to you?
it will be x's loss for getting y

excuse me :X
8:12:00 PM

Sunday, October 25, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2nd BRO! :D

so we celebrated his birdday today
it was a simple affair, just my brothers and i
'cause my parents are still in egypt and they'll come back and celebrate for him another day

anyway there's something i wanted to say
This has been a long time coming
Have been meaning to say these
But just didn’t
And I feel that it’s about time say it
About how I felt all these years
Because I have never said these before
And I feel that it’s important that they know about it now
For all my life I felt like I’m in this giant shield that is so strong and will never crack
No matter what I’m always protected, I’m always safe
Because I have my brothers
They are my two strong pillars, two bright lights shining on me in my life
Giving me warmth, giving me everything that I need
And no matter what happens they will be there to help me
If I fall they will always be there to cushion my fall
They will always be there to dry my tears, make me laugh and everything that makes me happy
I feel I am blessed for life because I have the two of them
They are my motivation and strength
They are really the most wonderful people I have in my life, and because they are my brothers they understand me better and I could tell them everything and anything
And they won’t judge me
For the countless of times I got lost, they pulled me back on track
And made me feel that it ain’t all that bad
They make me feel that I can face this big bad world with them always behind me to support my back
And for all of these I am very grateful, so very grateful
Grateful is too a mediocre word to describe how much I appreciate them
It’s immense
Although I don’t really express it explicitly
But sometimes I do do something nice things for them
Those extraordinary times we had when we were growing up
As I looked at all the childhood pictures I really miss those times
How they always took care of me, how they made me laugh, how they protected me
That sometimes they are so nice to me until it made me wanna cry
And that’s why they’re so worthy of me to make sacrifices for them
because I know they would do the same for me with an blink of an eye
my mom always told me how lucky I am to have two older brothers
and I knew that all along
and she showed us the importance of maintaining good relationships within the family
but my relationship with my brothers were not always great
I remember when I was younger I did not really like my big brother for don’t know what reason
Then suddenly we became very close and were inseparable (in a sense) ever since
And I was very close to my 2nd brother when I was very young, we always played together
Then not so close
Then now we’re close again
So now I have great relationships with the both of them, and I’m very happy about it
I feel like I must have done something so wonderful in the past lifetime to deserve them in this lifetime
Sure we do quarrel sometimes but I can say that they make me laugh more than cry
Home is a nice place to come home to because we will entertain each other
By ‘arguing’ and doing all sorts of stupid things
We are still as childish as ever and we’re proud of it
I should really record all the ingenious jokes they crack and all the silly things they do
we are not outright nice to one another, like complimenting or things like that
but at the end of the day they will do things that show that they care
it’s like I ask them to do certain things then they would say no but at the end of the day they would still do it, that kind of thing
and they will turn whatever crap I threw at them and turn them into flowers and give them back to me, especially my big bro
and sometimes when I’m unhappy with someone and I complain to them about it and I would jokingly ask if they could help me bash the person up and they would say yeah sure.
I remember there was this time my big bro said I’ll ask my army gang to bash the person up
Hahaha
And since they’re older than me, they are more experienced than me
And I could ask them for advice and they would also give me some heads up on certain things
Sometimes they ‘gang up’ to make fun of me but it was fun
And we ‘bicker’ and ‘make fun’ of one another like it’s free
We never run out of things to ‘bicker’ and ‘make fun’ of
My mum likes to say that if one day my brothers and I don’t ‘bicker’ and ‘make fun’ of each other we would feel uncomfortable like quan shen bu shu fu
But at the end of the day we all know that we meant none of those and it was just for entertainment
and I’m saying all these because they really deserve to be known as the greatest brothers in the whole wide world
they may not be perfect but they’re the ultimate best
sometimes when I look at all our childhood pictures I miss them so much that I feel really sad
but then I told myself it’s okay because I’m lucky to have had such a wonderful childhood
and because today is my 2nd bro’s birthday I shall share this picture of me and him when we were children

okay this is not what it looks like
I know my 2nd bro is holding a scissors but obviously he was not the one who bullied me or else why would I cry to him
this picture made me feel like the big brother’s instinct to protect his little sister
my 2nd brother has a fantastic sense of humour and I can really appreciate his sense of humour
maybe because we’re on the same level
no actually, he’s a higher level than me
but on the same frequency
those jokes we crack at home and stupid things we do
and he’s really smart, last time I can always ask him questions
but now he’s in NS he’s forgotten everything
haha
and my big bro is as great as well
but I shall not elaborate now
both my brothers are special in their own ways
and I want them to know that I love them very much
there’s so much love that they can swim and drown in it
but I’ll never tell them this
so I’m going to ask them to read this themselves
haha
because I’m not the kind of person who will tell you how much I appreciate you in your face
I’ll let you know some other way
But you’ll never hear it coming from my mouth
And I think action have more meaning than words
And this is the kind of thing that happens in my family
We show we care by actions and the little things that we do for each other
Things you say can always be a lie, but the things you do really reveals how you feel
and I really hope that I was as great a little sister as they were big brothers to me

so yeah, it’s all out
I’ve gotten to realize that it’s nice to let the people you care about know how much you care about them
So I want my brothers to know this

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

excuse me :X
11:31:00 AM

Thursday, October 22, 2009

so as i look at everything that's going on around me
i'm still sitting here trying to figure everything out

hey struggle, you're still here

excuse me :X
12:29:00 AM

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

amidst the confusion a sense of loss
really don't know what to do
maybe this will prove to be yet another time i shoot myself in the foot again

there was always a smile behind the sheet of face

excuse me :X
10:17:00 PM

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

it's been a very looooong time since i blogged
because there are a lot of thoughts and feelings that i just don't know how to express them in words

i want to say them but i don't know how

guess what this is

it's my 2nd bro's creation

it's called mountain of eggs!

i went into the kitchen and he had this bowl upside down on a plate
and when he revealed the mountain, he said ta da! see i so li hai right! can shape the eggs like that

and he looked damn proud of himself haha it was so funny at that moment

i just had to take a picture

later i asked how many eggs you use to cook this

he said: 9 lo 3 for each of us

he said it like it was very normal.

yeah my bros have big appeite

lol

this is a picture borats took on css awards day

i think it's damn cool becasue it's like the first authentic boratic picutre we took.

let's flash the world to death! hahaha!

but i look out of plac e because i didn't hav a tie

i totally forgot need to wear a tie until i reached css
if i had a tie on it would look more perfect

but it's okay

i had fun taking this picture

borats rock and long live the boratic empire! =D

let's make the world a more boratic place! hahahaha!

btw thanks yuanzhi for lending me his blazer :)

oh here's other pics we took

jq, nice fingers hahaha

yeah so this is what i got for awards day

don't know how much pain sweat blood & tears it took to get this. seriously.

and all along i thought i did not have enough A1s to get it until a few weeks before the school called

thought never count express chinese

lol

i'm so proud of myself! =D

hey struggle, you're still here

excuse me :X
4:55:00 PM