Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder how much of the words that are coming out of your mouth, you actually meant them. Some of the things you do, I find it hard to wrap my head around it. But just because I do not understand, doesn't mean it is not right of you to do it or you can't do it. How is it that you can assure me now, but go on to do the exact opposite of what you said. Your actions contradict your words, do you realise? Or maybe it's not contradiction at all. It's just because your words don't actually have any meaning. Sorry for injecting meaning into them. Overtime, it just becomes a habit of letting your words pass by like passer-bys on the street. Once they pass, I forget them. They're only worth remembering if you make them to be.
You have no idea I always feel the exact opposite of what you said.
Why is it that I find it excessive? It would be so different were it somebody else. I feel that nothing has changed. I still see it as something that had an ulterior motive lying underneath. I still don't understand.
If I think about it, it makes sense. It was right then and there, given all the possibilities of choices in the world, you chose to act that way, it makes sense. There is only one option for you, and that's the choice you made. Good for you.
I'm so glad that finals are over! :)
I had quite a good scare yesterday. I was making my way to the toilet minutes before the exam and val jumped out of nowhere and screamed. I screamed too because she shocked me. haha. It was like 2 people yelling amongst the heaps of people. yes, I used heaps. haha. Then we laughed like mad. It was crazy. I haven't seen her for ages. Although we only talked briefly, it was good to see her again. And she is still the same crazy girl ever since I knew her. Her scare woke me up before the paper. haha.
I am seriously amazed by my 2nd bro's cheat sheet. His handwriting is so so so so so so so so so so so so tiny I almost have to paste my face on the paper to see what he wrote. I really cannot understand how he is able to write such tiny words! without the words being clumped together. and he showed me he had a "content page" for his cheat sheet too. like where to find which chapter it is under. and he was so proud of it. haha. omg. it's so organised and colourful and everything. unlike mine. I still need to search my cheat sheet to find where I copied what. sometimes I forget what I copied. haha. I asked him to help me write my cheat sheet next time. Then my big bro said: wah you so lazy until cheat sheet also need people to help you write ah? haiz. hahaha! but seriously, I think my 2nd bro can start a cheat sheet writing service already. xD
sy's reply was epic. like seriously. hahaha!
excuse me :X
3:39:00 PM
Friday, April 20, 2012
my current highlighter was dying soon and I went to search for another one in my drawer. I thought I still had some more, but apparently I don't. Then I remembered that I still had this pack of highlighters given to me by my primary school. So I dug that out. Initially I didn't think it would work because it's been so long already but I just wanted to try my luck. Amazingly, it still works! And it highlighted quite smoothly as though it was brand new, although the colour is a bit old. can tell. I kept the highlighters since 2003, kept telling myself I would have a use for it someday. How many years have that been?! finally I was able to use them and they still work. I was really amazed. haha. so i wrote one whole chunk just about highlighters.
why should I believe in something that is so flimsy. Maybe it's just my point of view. The feelings I've gathered through my observations. They may not reflect the reality. But until I see the golden egg in front of me, I will not hand you the money.
This probably isn't how I'm supposed to react. Intentions and reactions do not match. What I want to say is, after seeing that, you'll never hear me say those words again. You can bet on that.
While I was revising past year papers for eg1413, I came across this passage about genetic enhancement, I think. There was this sentence
"This cheating diminishes us by depriving us of the sense that we must work to make anything worthwhile."
I find it really meaningful (and totally missed the point that I'm supposed to focus on coming up with points for the essay haha) when I saw this sentence, I stopped and pondered over it for a while. seriously. pondering over this in the middle of that. why. I don't know. Maybe I find it quite relate-able to me now. The sense that we must work to make anything worthwhile. It just hits me. That's the point I've been seemingly missing nowadays. Worthwhile. I've given myself too much leeway. Things that come easy will not feel as worthy. It is the essence of working hard and putting in effort that will make any outcome,good or bad, feel worthy. It's like the effort is the cream that fills the cream puff and makes it delicious. It's quite a "duh" thing but I don't know why it suddenly meant so much to me. Maybe because I've fallen off the wagon for don't know how long.
It's better than anything I've encountered. I'd say I take it and run.
If you are so unhappy doing it, then don't do it. who is forcing you? don't need to be so xin ku one. seriously.
I need to realise the gravity of the situation. what is it that I want. what is worth it. and what is not worth it.
I realised when I focus on this, I've completely forgotten what it was that wasted my energy.
excuse me :X
10:52:00 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sometimes comparison helps to make sense of your thoughts. It makes me realize: so it's like this. Why before I didn't think it was crazy. But when I compare with similar things, I see how much sense I actually don't make.
excuse me :X
9:38:00 AM
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I was studying in my bros' room when my 2nd bro came back. I didn't turn the air con on, only the fan. After quite some time, then I said: I didn't on the air con leh. See? You cannot tell the difference right? Hahaha. After he went to turn it on, he gave me a very amazing comparison. Haha! He said: so it's like someone on life support. If you turn off the life support he still looks like he is sleeping. So you go tell them: see, cannot tell the difference right? So no need to on ma. HAHAHA! Laughed like mad:D
You were so sure. But look what happened. You were so sure.
Sometimes I don't know what I'd do with it. But then, I also don't know what I'd do without it. No direction seems right.
excuse me :X
10:39:00 AM
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I saw this really cute little boy walking up the stairs with his mum and dad. He raised his arms, put one leg forward first then bring the other up to the same step. Then must pause a while to balance first before going up the next step. It was too cute to watch:) luckily the bus stopped at the right place and enough time for me to watch him finish climbing the stairs before moving on. Haha. Totally made my morning:D
excuse me :X
10:10:00 PM
Monday, April 09, 2012
so happy that today is over. I had oral defence and einstein test. one after the other. I was especially nervous for oral defence because I'm afraid I would blank out. But it went okay today. And the test was also okay. I have a thing. Cannot reflect a lot about tests. will "jinx" it. haha
I have always had a choice. I choose to be wise this time around. :) by not doing anything, it's the best thing I can do for myself.
excuse me :X
9:07:00 PM
Saturday, April 07, 2012
It's nothing serious. But it's still stirring inside me. I thought it's said and done. I thought it would be better after I've gone through that. But why am I still at this stage now. And it's getting worse? Why. Come on force field, block away all the rubbish.
excuse me :X
12:46:00 AM
Friday, April 06, 2012
to make one person feel good, you made the rest feel worse. it must be so worth it, right?
How long have I not seen that image. The silhouette that embodies where I can put my faith in, where I know it will never back away I can sit under the canopy of it and I know that it's there When I turned back after a moment, it's all but faded.
restriction. words spoken but no one hears. you won't feel like speaking much.
I know this cycle. It's all too familiar.
I really don't understand. But just because this is what I believe in, doesn't mean others will believe in the same thing.
excuse me :X
9:28:00 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2012
I have so many words inside of me, wanting to come out. But I can't form coherent sentences with them. And after I've given them some thought, I feel there is nothing much to say already. So in the end, what actually was supposed to have a lot to say about, I only have these few words. This will be so good for me. How silly of me.
No I don't get it.
Maybe it was just me trying to prove a point. I don't know. I didn't change my mind last minute because of the person. It was because of you. If I hadn't seen it before, then it's not that bad. It's the fact that I've seen it before, that I know how it's going to be like, I don't even want to try anymore. And also because you seemed to be rushing us. And I asked you why. And you told me why. It just showed a lot. It shows what we represent. It is in no way your fault. You are being who you are. I just never thought you'd be like this.
excuse me :X
8:27:00 PM
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
like an orange, twist and squeeze, till all the juice is out. it doesn't stop until what's left are dried up skin and flesh. talking doesn't feel that helpful. can anybody understand this because i can't understand it myself.
my track shoes are collecting dust. To put them on, get up, dash out, just keep running and don't ever stop. how good this would feel.
I have dark eye circles like if i went into the panda enclosure, they won't even be able to tell the difference. Haha
My friend found a wallet left behind by a girl in lecture today. We handed it over to the Dean's office. Hope the girl gets her wallet back soon. It must feel horrible to lose your wallet. With so many important stuff inside also.
Okay it's alright.
I try to be. I hope to be immune to it.
excuse me :X
1:14:00 AM
Sunday, April 01, 2012
I totally slipped and fell in my house yesterday. I knew the floor was slippery. I thought I walked very cautiously already. But apparently not cautious enough for my legs. the moment i lost balance, i was like: here i go. my dad saw and he panicked. when he rushed to my side, he asked if i had twisted anything. haha. thank goodness i was okay. luckily i didn't do any contortionist stunts. haha.
I was queueing at the supermarket with my family. It was supposed to be our turn next but the lady at the cashier told us the counter was closed. so good right. when coming to our turn, then just nice close. but there was this lady behind us who wouldn't stand for it and just continued to move forward. so did the rest of the queue behind us. then the counter reopened again. only we changed queue because i took it for real. i so "obedient" for what huh. then we had to re-queue at another lane. i felt so cheated. never mind, at least now i learn. haha.
just stick to my first conclusion. it's better for me this way. maybe it is not so believable to me because i don't want to accept it. i know at the end of the day, it is not up to me. and the feeling isn't that great. everything might end up in the drain.
Apathy. That's the word. I wish I can shut it off. Just for once. See what it is for what it is. And not try to see what's behind it or around it. Stop wondering.
Sometimes when people say stuff and you know it's just lip service. Sometimes, they know it's lip service too. So, why.
excuse me :X
6:26:00 PM
THE OLD FART
Wan En
18
HKPS(1999-2004)
Commonwealth Sec (2005-2008)
National JC (2009-2010)
