Omg it's been so long. Running away for so long. Not that I've stopped running away. I don't know when I'll ever stop. No matter how much I tell myself not to. I never get to see the face of my problems clearly. I just know they're there, but I never knew how they look like. Because I never faced them properly, what I do is I run away. They always catch up to me, but I still chose to run.
It feels like the storm is brewing near. It's going to get so much tougher. With each passing day it only reminds me what is growing bigger and bigger. It's about to explode in my face. I can't ignore it nor can I run away from it. It's everywhere. And it's like being thrown into a public space. Visible to everyone. Visible to all. Sometimes I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe, but the believe is just a thin piece of thread hanging there. Am I supposed to hang on to it and believe that it will not snap? It will take a lot of strength and believe to believe that. For some moments I can for other moments I cannot. I don't want to think about it and I always try my best to believe, but reality shoves it up in my face. I see it so clearly and feel it so vividly. I always delude myself that I've accepted. But I know I could never accept it. Not that I feel that there is hope. Just I could never bring myself to accept. It's that running away thing again. I don't have the guts to face it. The best part is, it's not something that can be helped. There is no solution. It's a test of belief. Which I'm growing really really tired of.
I'm tired. I say only these 2 simple words, but behind them there is an entire long story of why I'm tired. I'm just too afraid to say it out. Sometimes I feel like I'm only held together by some tape, always threatening to fall apart. Sometimes I have so many things to say, but it's the fear of saying them out that I just don't say much. If only I have the guts to say them all out, would I feel better?
I remember talking to my big bro about this years ago. How we stayed up all night talking about it. His words made me feel better. But not for long. Because I start going back to my old ways of thinking. No matter how hopeful or encouraging the words are, I can't bring myself to believe them. Not that he wasn't sincere about what he said, I'm sure he meant every word of it. But the problem is just me. I can't believe it. So now I feel it isn't going to be of much help to me even if I talk about it. I'll just feel better for that short time and continue to feel alright some time after, but it will all end up wasted, because I am not able to continue believing. It feels like a kind of stupidity and delusion. Like not facing and realizing what reality is. Not that I'm fully facing reality. This is so hard to explain.
The kind of emptiness and loneliness not because you have no friends or family, it's the kind that you know that nobody else would ever feel the way you are feeling. However encouraging their words may be, and with all of their sincerity, I really appreciate them. But because I know they did not go through what I'm going through, they don't know how it feels like actually. I cannot bring myself to believe any of it. With each passing day, it only means that nobody will ever be able to relate to this bs. I'm the only one in this. While the rest of the world go about their merriness.
It's just the tip of the iceberg. Why? Because it always is. That's the logic in my world.
This sudden strong post after so long. The truth finally came to find me.
I think I have said this before. I think I must be a horrible evil person in my past lifetimes. If there is such a thing. This is the only explanation I can give myself for what's happening. I seem to be repaying everyone back whatever debts I owe them last time. I must have committed a lot of heinous acts, hurt a lot of people.
I didn't realize writing could help so much. I thought it wouldn't make much of a difference. Sometimes it really doesn't make a difference. But this time around, it helped me more than I thought. After writing all those, I felt better. Not immediately, but slowly a few days later. I guess it really is a kind of channel to get it out of my system. After expressing all those strong emotions out, I don't feel that strongly about it anymore.
Thank you auntie, you have no idea, but your cuteness helped me today:)
The moment your mum does something for you and you saw it early in the morning that just makes your heart smile:D
excuse me :X
12:06:00 AM
THE OLD FART
Wan En
18
HKPS(1999-2004)
Commonwealth Sec (2005-2008)
National JC (2009-2010)
